Bowling Fever
2004 Punk Rock Bowling Tournament – the most debauched yet!
The BYO Punk Rock Bowling Tournament 2004
This year’s bowling tournament proved to be full of wackier hi-jinx than EVER. It first had the air of doom, and then had a rip-roaring finish with us as big losers – but in our hearts, we were WINNERS! We didn’t practice, and we didn’t care!
Sign of Doom #1
The original hotel and bowling alley CLOSED DOWN the week of the tournament. Shawn of BYO Records pulled off a miraculous feat of logistics and moved the event and divided the bowling into shifts to accommodate everyone!
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Sign of Doom #2
Mike Hunt and I get there without incident, check in and saddle up to the bar like smart folks, and check out the Punk Rock Show with Flogging Molly, where I got to run into my fave Punk Rock Bowling all-stars from years past! I get a call from our drummer Greg that our bass player didn’t show up at the connecting flight. He called her, and she was still at home. “I don’t think she’s coming…”, he says. What does that mean? I called her, and said politely, “Uh, you can still get on the next flight, you know, uh, we don’t bowl until tomorrow night…uh, call me…” I feel like the boss from the movie “Office Space”.
Sign of Hope #1
We got really blasted, and found a fill-in bowler – someone we had never met before – Sean Elliott of the So Cal band DI. So what! His name is Kowalski now.
Sign of Hope #2
We had REALLY cool bowling shirts, courtesy of Mike Kowalski! Sean gets one! We all get one! Everyone ooohhs and ahhhs and admires the smart embroidery.
Sign of Hope #3
I get lucky the first night out of the gate. This one boy I’ve had a crush on for a little while – uh, for, like, uh, 20 YEARS! I am single and loving it. Got a big Rock Star suite as not to pull the ‘ol “nauseate your band members while you try to have drunken sex in the same room with them and think they won’t notice” routine. At this point, I’m old enough to know better and have the credit card to avoid that shite.
Sign of Doom #3
While I have a boy in the bed and visions of bowling balls dancing in my head, the FIRE ALARM goes off at 9:30 am, which wouldn’t have been so penetratingly abhorrent if I hadn’t gone to sleep at 7:30 am! Arrrgh!
Sign of Hope #4
There is a Jacuzzi in my bedroom, and I decide to take a bubble bath. I don’t have to get out of there until 3 pm, and I’m milking every minute of this rock star suite, goddammit.
Sign of Doom #4
The phone rings while I am having my little Calgon moment. I pick it up, “Hullo…”, while the voice on the other end rages, “WHERE ARE YOU!!!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BOWLING!!!! GET DOWN HERE!!!!!” “Whaaaaa? Who is this?” comes my retarded response. “SAB. NOW GET DOWN HERE”. Somehow, that was good enough for me as I jumped into my clothes, still covered in suds, and ran downstairs. I must have joined a team when I was drunk last night! I ran around in a panic, check every aisle and lane, no Sabrina. checked the list – Kowalskis are still on for 9:30 pm. Shit! I call Sabrina – no answer. Run around for an hour trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. Sabrina calls me and has no idea what I’m talking about. What a waste of adrenaline!
Sign of Hope #5
I meet up with old-time Kowalski friend Todd Price, formerly of Guff, who now lives in San Diego, along with Ali, my fave Hair Bear guy. I tell him about my rock star suite with the meter still running, and we pile on up there to milk those last precious minutes. He hops in the tub, skivs and all, and cracks a beer, to live for moments what all of us aspiring rock stars have dreamed about all our lives. Life is good. I whore myself out so that band mates and friends alike can benefit. Why not? I had fun, too, as I jumped on the bed!
Sign of Doom #5
It’s only 3 pm and we don’t bowl for another six hours! The drinking has already started! What will we do? Stop? No, I don’t think so…
Sign of Hope #6
Sean! He is the BEST coach EVER. He tells us we are going to WIN! He gets us all pumped up! He brings his HOT friend Erica and her hot friend to be our cheerleaders! How can we not win! We get a pep talk every time we throw the ball! If I do well, I get a smooch! I asked Joey Ramone for a strike, while they were playing The Ramones over the PA, and I got one! This one’s for Joey! YAY! I bowl a couple of strikes. I have no idea what my score is. At the end, Sean tells everyone in the joint that we won. Everyone comes up to me saying, “I heard you won!”. I feel like a winner. I just go with it!
Sign of Doom #6
There is a Filipino cover band in the lounge playing “Celebration” and some other bad hair cover band playing songs like “Working for the Weekend”, and I actually like it and am dancing around. On another music-related note, we go to the Double Down for a punk show, get knocked down within three minutes after arriving, and cannot even see the bar. We decide to leave and find a real bar. I see a place with a neon sign across the street “Club Oasis” and I lead the pack. We get in there, and I have a funny feeling it’s not a bar. Two very sexy ladies are behind glass, they say club admission is $50. “Do you give group discounts?”, I inquire, sizing up their slow night. They agree to let us all in for $50. We wanna go for it. The sensible Greg politely declines. Who knows what would have happened if we did this. Dopes. Every time I think of this place, I call it “Club Climax”, even though we never found out what went on in there.
Sign of Hope #7
Another night of getting lucky with a new-found friend. Shit, in New York, everyone is scared to death of me. Here, no one knows any better. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. I love Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas (Not anymore! I just wrote about it! DOH!).
Sign of Doom #7
Boy tries to get chambermaid to come up and bring us more towels and other lame-ass 6 am excuses. We order Pizza for breakfast, and tell them to send over their best-looking pizza boy. Dude looks like Ponch’s dorky brother. He looks like a rent-a-cop. Pizza only. Again, what were we thinking? Like Club Climax, the fantasy is better than the reality.
Sign of Hope #8
We think we are winners!
Sign of Doom #8
We are losers and don’t make it to the finals!
Sign of Hope #9
One of the guys from San Diego – Davey, I think – breaks out a guitar, and each person plays a cool song, everyone sings along, and then passes it to the next person. After a number of songs, they pass it to me. I am terrified. “You play guitar, right?” Uh, sorta… I am the first and only girl to play, so I have to make it good – what do I play? BLITZKREIG BOP! I get the bar going in a resounding “Hey Ho, Let’s Go!” and I’m off the hook. Thank you, god.
Sign of Doom #9
A sexy gal takes a bit of everybody’s drink in the bar and puts it in a life-size cowboy boot mug. Greg starts drinking it. I try it, and at first it tastes OK, but as she gets up to her 30th combination of liquor, it makes me gag. Greg is till drinking it…this is going to get ugly!
Sign of Hope #10
Manic Hispanic at the Awards show! We have lots of fun! We celebrate with Greg, Mike and Sean Kowalski, along with all the cute boys and gals we met all weekend. The San Diego crew is completely blasted. I am dressed like a hooker in my marabou jacket. Floyd of Fat Wreck Chords dons it and somehow it looks better on him than me. Even Kowalskis Mike and Greg get photos taken of their “tits” for a Boys Gone Wild thing Jen from Barflies is doing…or maybe that’s a sign of doom….
Sign of Doom #10
We get REALLY blasted back at Sam’s Town, and they kick us out of Roxy’s, the bar where the cover bands play. I am up VERY late with Sean at the bar, and we drink way beyond our means. I go to the ladies’ room and come back and Sean is passed out. I try to wake him up. Cold. The bartender asks, “Are you having trouble there?”, uh, no trouble, no trouble at all, sir… I gently pat, and then smack his face. Nothing. Ice cubes on the back of the neck. Minor stir. Security takes notice. “Uh, he just fell asleep, I’ll get him up, he was talking a minute ago…” this goes on for a few minutes and security comes up with a wheelchair. “I got it from here”, I assure him. He says hotel liability says he has to do the driving. Oh, jeez! Sean gets wheeled up to our room, we dump him out of the chair onto the bed with Mike, and I sleep in our room for the first night so far.
It’s time to go home, we wake up an hour too early due to Greg’s drunken noodling with the clock, but it works out for the best, as we had some slow going getting up anyway. Sean misses work, but does the sensible thing and gets a drink while we get a cab.
Greg declares that it was probably the most fun he’s ever had in his life, and I certainly don’t disagree. How are we going to ever top THAT one? Who knows, but we’ll try again next year!
Barflies.net has the most extensive coverage in photos and such of the Bowling Tournament at:
http://www.barflies.net/archive/2004/0104/bowling2004/index.html
Best of Bowling 2004 by Kitty Kowalski
1. Newly-acquired, very unconscious Kowalski bowling team member Sean DI being pushed back to our hotel room by Security in a wheelchair.
2. The Sunday night Hootenanny at the bar in the Sam’s Town Atrium.
3. The Kowalskis winding up in a whorehouse by mistake while looking for a bar across the street from the Double Down.
4. The look on Greg Kowalski’s face in the official photo from the New York, New York Rollercoaster.
5. Todd Price taking a Jacuzzi in his underwear in the rock star suite.
Honorable mention: An evil plot to seduce a pizza delivery boy gone VERY wrong.
Stay tuned for more New York Scene fun, as it’s tour season, and I have a new camera!
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